30

Never had to think about getting old.

I was so sure I would die young and full.

I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish and I made sure to finish them by 27 because that was the age of my foreseen death.

Now, on the verge of 29, the weight of 30 dawns on me.

Trapped in a mundane cycle of life as an adult. I look for an exit now that is not death.

A future that I had never drawn.

I want to try everything. Every thing is new again just like back at 18 when I decided 27 would be my demise.

Now, knowing any day I could lose the most precious thing in the world to me, I need to plan even more carefully than ever.

Yet, the goal that is sustainable for a long term might take all of me to find.

Edible bite size chunks of life must be designed. So that every step gives me a sense of fulfillment. Rather than having to accomplish the goal to finally be happy. I need to make sure every step I take is a step in itself both a step towards happiness and a step into happiness.

Many people now choose a nomadic life.

Trying to make meaning of the insignificance of one existance over a vast majority of the ever growing population and the ever dying Earth.

Is that a path for me?

Each day I must practice. Practice the things I love to be good at.

I must... (I know it will be difficult at this age) learn to have complete self discipline and focus.

I am connected even addicted to the network without any emotional or mental engagement... I must learn also to make connections that is true and of myself.

In order, I need to learn myself.

What are my qualities?

I am good at everything but exceptional at nothing. Because I have talent that ran out some 5 years ago and lack of practice and self discipline and overwhelming procrastination have put me into mental and physical hybernation state.

I must wake up and run again.

There is more life to live.

Mug

Frustration at my inability to step forward dawned on me in a heavy cloak of anger.

I screamed.

Then I grabbed his mug as if it were the thing that destroyed me and slammed it against my marble countertop.

To my surprise, it shattered into pieces and flew out everywhere.

My hand was bleeding incessessantly, but I did not feel a thing.

The noise blew him towards me, "My grandmother bought me that mug!"

Grandmother means a lot to him and I...

I couldn't allow myself to feel... I muttered, "You should have cleaned it up then! Its always out here!"

I started cleaning the the mess up as he got the dogs ready and fled.

bleeding became a little annoying and so i washed away the broken ceramic pieces from under the cuts and let the blood clot before moving again.

It's been 1 year and 1 day...
Nothing has changed and I havent moved forward.

4 years of painful past and the possible 70 or so more years my inability will bring upon me rushed over in anxious haste.

What is there left to do?

Pocket Size Me

I wish I were pocket sized.

So you may take me with you every where you go.

I will fall asleep in your warmth every day.

I won't have to leave for work so extra 10 hours of cuddling time with you.

I will only need small crumbs for food so you won't have to work so hard to provide for the family.

Though we may not have much, we will have enough.

Millenial struggles--where you only work yourself into more debt--won't be for us, because I would only have pocket size expenses.

During the day I can hang by your ear to whisper sweet melodies.

I will get to play with your squishy earlobes as a plus!

I will take naps by your shoulder, I would have to alternate sides so not to give you a knot on one side.

The world will be a wonder for me, so we won't have to wander far in search of wonder. So less travelling expenses, too.

Our wedding will be so affordable since walking down the aisle for me will mean the length of your finger.

I will love you and every thing will be romantic.

Only now to build a shrink ray...

Till then I still miss you every day...

Abuse

No one is the abuser.
Both are victims.
No end is seen.
Only self defense.
But we are full of bruises, twisted backs, swollen joints, scars on the skin... show signs of abuse.
If no one is the abuser,
Why are we abused?
But the finger is crossed.
Fingers belong to someone else.
Both are abusers.
But I'm the victim and so is he.
Unseen is the abuse but seen is the victim.
Unseen is the victim but seen is the action.
Words are like thorned whips.
Slashes like a bitch.
It's coming from the mouths of victims.
Violence is the self defense.
There are two victims of abuse.
But there are no abusers.
In the end, only the great God knows.
How it will go.
How it will pass.
No one's falling out.
Each with each's motive.
Grabbing fiercely to the piercing whip.
So it continues to slash.
Victims of the relationship.
Where it is the abuser.
Home is a prison.
Yet this is where the heart is.
It is cold and dark and frightening.
But it is warm, full and comforting.
God is good but the time is bad.
God is almighty but we only wade in pain.
God is love but our love is tethered and bleeding.
God is past, present and future.
My past is dark, my present is hell and my future is unseen.
Glory to the King. Rejoice this day the King hath made.
Because yet my heart chooses to trust in Him.
His unfailing and faithful love will deliver us all.
Though wicked are my thoughts and evil are my intensions.
Though my heart in pieces only sputter out poison.
Through Him I will be saved.
He will never give up on me.
So we on our knees ask for forgiveness so we can face the abuse of tomorrow.
For that joyful day, when we can taste the fruits of the spirit.

To be understood.

To be understood and to understand...
I once thought these were the basis of love.

But maybe I misunderstood love or did I misinterpret understanding.

Falling in love may not at all be related to the ability to understand each other...

To see into each others eyes and to seek the truth... the true being down in the core.

Covered in multitude of pain, greed and history -- almost unrecognizable -- is what I wanted someone to see.

Someone to truly see and reach out. So that I can finally stand and shake off the sand.

I thought that love was something capable of this. So when I found out it wasn't...

It was anger that swept me away into the deep. Anger I was helpless against.

Yet, have I? Have I done that for him?

This is in the limitations of human. Only One that can see through to the dirty, withered and ugly being deep.inside of me... Could that be God?

Is it only by His grace and His love that I will be lifted up out of the sand? All the while the world kicks more sand in my face...

Maybe it is not Love nor Understanding I have mistaken, but  the subject.

I had longed for love and understanding from countless (actually if I sat down, I can count them since I did not reach out to many) creations for which I should have leaned on the everlasting arms.

My truth can only be read and healed by the Truth.

Lord. I have now forgotten how to open my heart to anyone... I myself cannot open up to even my own self. I've lost me. I have forgotten what it is to be vulnerable. I have been abandoned and abused... I am so tired

Help me. Help me my unbelief. Help me drink from the ever flowing Grace.

MONTREAL

Montreal according to student life of Emily. What I remember most fondly and want to recommend to you (2007 - 2013)

Favorite streets (not in any order)

1.    McGill College Avenue:

a.    Short walk

b.    Has great view of McGill university on the north end of the street

c.    Entrances to all Malls (around like 5… I haven’t counted) that are all connected underground: “Underground City”

d.    Always is decorated…for events

e.    Connects “Ben&Jerry’s” Ice cream shop that gives out free ice cream once in a while to McGill University

2.    St. Catherine Street:

a.    Long street perpendicular to McGill College Ave

b.    All fun stuff connected by this street

                                          i.    Restaurants& Cafes

                                         ii.    Clubs

                                        iii.    Malls & Street Shopping

                                       iv.    Artist’s Street Exhibitions like giant light up swings you can ride… theatres & Concert Halls (GO BY METRO: PLACE DES ARTS)

                                        v.    Festivals & Parades

                                       vi.    Chinatown & OLD MONTREAL (Notre Dame Church) (BY METRO: PLACE D’ARMES)

                                      vii.    *Gang fights at night only very rare to see

c.    Don’t go too far on this street, fun stuff is concentrated From Chinatown to Atwater (that’s still about an hour walk I think).

3.    St. Denis Street, (GO BY METRO: BERRI-UQAM)

a.    Street Parallel to McGill College Av

b.    Street for young entrepreneurs’ boutiques and eateries

c.    Also has clubs

d.    From time to time this street is blocked off and filled with pedestrian shopping

4.    Crescent Street (METRO: GUY CONCORDIA)

a.    Liked it mostly because it had a Karaoke which had 5hrs of fun for $10

b.    But is filled with pretty people and expensive cars at night for some clubs I’ve never been to…

5.    Sherbrooke Street

a.    Longest street in Montreal (I think) Connects from East to West

b.    Only 10 minutes of it is packed with semi fun stuff

                                          i.    Start at McGill University gate (McGill College avenue cross Sherbrooke)

                                         ii.    Walk west and you will see Museums (Art Galleries) and Boutiques and hotels where celebrities stay

                                        iii.    End at Crescent Street

Restaurants (List according to closeness to McGill University) – you will notice these restaurants are fit for Student wallet size… please refer to some other person if looking for high end restaurants… FRENCH cuisine in Montreal is also very good – I hear

Right By McGill

1.    Lola Rosa Café

a.    Really nice food and atmosphere… (according to my preferences)

b.    Vegan-ish place

2.    ATTI: Korean Restaurant on University Street

a.    Nice interior

b.    Good Lunch menu price

3.    Furusato on Bleury street: AMAZING JAPANESE HOME FOOD

a.    Only con is that it only opens for a few hours during lunch

4.    Reuben’s: Steak, Smoked Meat, Pasta

a.    Only good at one location on St. Catherine street by McGill

b.    There are two types a deli and a restaurant you want to go to the restaurant. The deli one on St. Catherine is underground so it’s easy to distinguish

c.    I like their desserts too

To West of McGill

5.    Three Amigos on St. Catherine St.: Mexican Food

a.    69cent tacos on Sundays

b.    $7 Awesome steak Fajita on Sizzling plate and all different sides on Wednesdays

6.    L’Academie on Crescent St.: Mussels and Pasta

a.    Run by Culinary school students

b.    Good environment, good food, good service… most times

c.    Good price from Sunday to Wednesday ($12 for any menu)

7.    Chez Cora’s: Brunch

a.    Other Cora’s restaurants exist all across Canada but Montreal is its origin and must say it’s a little different.

8.    Qing Hua Dumplings METRO Guy Concordia

a.    Dumplings Hand made on the spot…

b.    Good experience but very Asian

9.    Kazu: AMAZING JAPANESE FUSION

a.    Only con is that the line up is really long if going at a wrong time

10.  Seoul Chako on St. Catherine St.: Sushi and Korean BBQ buffet.

a.    Nice Interior

b.    Good Clean Facility and great for lunch or dinner

c.    Sushi is good during dinner

d.    Meat grill in table is amazing because it has its own ventilation… in the table

11.  Jardin de Pekin at Snowdon Metro Station: BEST CHINESE FOOD

a.    If you like Peking duck experience (cooked and thinly sliced at your table for you)

b.    Also has menu catered to Koreans in Korean.

12.  Pho Lien By METRO Cote Des Neige (Near St. Joseph’s Oratory): BEST Vietnamese Place in MTL

a.    Must try their 3 colour dessert drink!!

13.  Restaurant Blanche Neige: $1.99 Breakfast (By METRO Cote Des Neige)

a.    2 Eggs, 2 Toasts, Ham or Sausage, Potato, Tea or Coffee, all for 2$

To East of McGill

14.  SCHWARTZ: FAMOUS MONTREAL SMOKED MEAT on North End of St. Laurent Street Another cool street like St. Denis but Closer to McGill

a.    MUST EAT when visiting Montreal

b.    Countless famous people ate here

c.    Many plays and musicals made on this place

d.    THIS Street is filled with a lot of things to do and eateries

e.    Also Only Con is long line up if at wrong time

15.  Little Sheep Hot Pot in Chinatown: All you can eat Chinese Hot Pot

a.    Fresh vegetables

b.    Healthy Soup Base

c.    Smelly because Soup is boiling all day everyday

16.  La Banquise-Apparently the BEST Poutine in Montreal! (I still like Costco Poutine Best)

a.    Go by METRO Mont-Royal and walk towards an awesome park (Parc La Fontaine)

b.    Hand cut fries (I think)

c.    And all different flavours of Poutine

d.    Good Apricot Beer

Desserts

1.    Cacao 70

a.    There are two, one on Du Parc Street which is closer to McGill University, but one by Atwater has better interior and is the original one.

b.    Has Chocolate menu from all around the world

c.    Fondues, Crepes, Waffles

2.    Juliet et Chocolat

a.    Do you like Chocolate?

b.    This is a must visit if you like chocolate and are visiting Montreal

c.    I like it less than Cacao 70 but still a very popular and famous around town

3.    CoCo Bun

a.    Best Chinese Bakery!

b.    Delicious and very economic to the wallet

c.    There are three that I know of: One in Chinatown, One in Guy Concordia Metro Station, One in Atwater Metro Station’s Mall entrance

d.    Don’t pay tax if you pay cash

4.    Premiere Moisson

a.    Epic Best Awesome French Patisserie

b.    Do you like French Desserts? What more can I say

5.    Rockaberry

a.    Big Pies

b.    Best Apple Crumble

6.    Orange Julep

a.    It is that Giant Orang Ball Building near Metro Station Namur

b.    You can see this Giant Orange Ball at viewpoints atop Mont Royal. Especially overlooking away from Montreal downtown like a top of St. Joseph’s Oratory

c.    Everyone you ask in Montreal will know of it but no one knows what is going on inside the Orange ball or what exactly Orange Julep is.

d.    It is a Drink made from whole Orange Fresh that morning and comes down to kiosks at the bottom of the Orange ball at 7AM through tubes it’s cool and magical

7.    A very famous Bagel place that sells only a certain number of bagels fresh in the morning… can not remember the name…

Also try walking along St. Catherine, St. Denis and St. Laurent Streets to Find So Many others… Montreal’s Fire Oven Italian foods are great too, Many Brunch Cafes are reknown and of course French and Fondue places are well known…

If tired of city scene... Go by Chinatown and down towards the Harbour where OLD MONTREAL is it has lots of eateries too and great place to stroll/bike by the water.

Places to Visit:

1.    St. Joseph’s Oratory

a.    A sight to see inside as it is the biggest

b.    A sight to see outside as you can see all of Montreal

c.    This place is famous because many people with disability of walking climbed the stairs while kneeling on each step and at the end of the stairs they were cured of it. You can see walls full of canes and crutches left by people who were cured at top.

d.    Go on a Sunday and you can hear the Organ play… (TOP FLOOR!)Organ pipes run along the whole wall up to the ceiling of this massive building and it is amazing

2.    Climb up Mont. Royal

a.    Short Hike up but lots to see (can drive around it too)

b.    You can see the view of Montreal (Opposite direction from St. Joseph) if you take the hiking trail from the top of Peel Street (only about 30 minute hike up) then take a different route down to see ponds

c.    Said to be designed by the man who did Central Park in New York. Don’t know where I heard this from…

3.    Chinatown & Old Montreal

a.    Cobblestone bricks line this old fashioned town with grand architecture

b.    Tour de l'Horloge: Clock Tower on the beach (You can climb inside!)

c.    Light show at Notre Dame Cathedral… which is said to be exact replica of the French Notre Dame but I haven’t researched on the truth of this statement it is very magical inside but you have to pay to get in…$2/ person

d.    Poutineries

e.    Cupcakes

f.     Beaver Tails

4.    McGill University

a.    That building on Sherbrooke street to the East of McGill College Entrance and After University Street is the Music Building. If you walk in to the Glass building at the East end of Music Building some times they have free concerts by the graduating class or Embassies

b.    Go up Mcgill College Street from Sherbrooke through the Archway You will walk by the statue of James McGill all the way to James McGill’s Urn. He was buried there… but I don’t think he is there anymore. I think they moved him some place else some while back.

c.    At this point you are in the middle of campus to the west is Arts and to the right is Science and Engineering including nursing and architecture too

d.    There are hourly tours… just ask someone or go online

SHOPPING

1.    Downtown’s Underground City

a.    It is very confusing, grab a map. Some malls are fancy, Some malls are average

2.    Street Shopping

a.    St. Denis Street

b.    St. Laurent Street

c.    Mont Royal Metro Station (Farmer’s market type cool hippy stuff)

d.    St. Catherine (Good recognizable name brands)

3.    BIG MALLS-a little bit of distance away

a.    Carrefour Laval

                                                  i.    Best place for me because all the store fronts are decorated so nicely and has amazing flour garden in the centre

b.    Galeries d’Anjou

                                                  i.    Very Modern, Calm and Large

c.    Premiere Outlets

                                                  i.    Just opened… haven’t been

If going for more than a few days

1.    I suggest you also book a day’s trip on a tour to Quebec City for one day. Very different culture. (Can rent a car for a day or book a bus tour-many going)

2.    Also visit Mont. Tremblant or Gatineau Park! Amazing view of Autumn colours! Romantic!!

3.    Also Capital of Canada, Ottawa is only 2 hour drive away!

4.    Also IF you like biking? Rent a bike at the BIXI stations and Ride awesome scenic Bike trails which I can’t quite remember exactly but if you search online it’s there